Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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