Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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