I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
