you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
