I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
