I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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