I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
