this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
