its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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