it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
