I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
