you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I smell stomach acid.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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