I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
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All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
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I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize