I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
