My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
