i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
it's like heaven, but drunker
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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