Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Let's get the cat blown out
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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