Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
