i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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