got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
