I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
