Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
