You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
