Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
