the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
