my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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