Jerry, you need to find god
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
