I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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