Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
