You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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