so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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