The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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