you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
nutella sex= disaster
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
