hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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