You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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