so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a search helicopter?!
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize