U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
