Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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