Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Randomize
