can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
