i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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