Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
