Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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