listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
