All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The uberlube is also flammable
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
