She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize