Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
