Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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