I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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