You're earring is so big in my mouth
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
