dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
