oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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