He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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