They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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