hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
