I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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