Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
