ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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